Karma's a Bit*h Read online

  Jake flashed me a smile. “I usually went out with guys from school. Nothing ever too serious.”

  “What was your first date like?”

  Jake kept typing as he talked with a wistful smile on his face. “Robbie Schwartz. Tenth grade. He asked me to his junior prom.”

  I smiled. “Do you have pictures?”

  Jake wrinkled his nose and clicked over to his Facebook photos.

  “Oh, my God. You’re even more adorable!”

  The prom photo showed a grinning Jake in a dark tux with a midnight-blue button-down shirt and purple tie next to a taller boy in a rock-star suit and tie. Jake’s glasses were thick-rimmed, but it had been the style then, and his hair was brushed forward to lay over his forehead.

  “Robbie was in a band. He played drums.”

  I rubbed Jake’s thigh. “Did you give him your gift?” Jake shoved me and I cracked up.

  “No. But we did exchange blowjobs at Jason Karmin’s party.”

  I kissed his cheek. “I’m glad you had a good time.”

  “Thanks. What about yours?”

  I gave an exaggerated sigh and flopped back in my chair. “It wasn’t as nice as yours.” Jake frowned, and I leaned forward to kiss the tip of his nose. “Don’t worry. I’m over it.”

  “What happened?”

  “Tomás Petrillo was on the football team. He was hot as fuck, but an asshole. I didn’t care about that, though. My only concern was how his ass fit in those tight football pants, and his crop-top practice jersey. He would do this thing where he’d adjust his cup, and I’d have to run to the bathroom and jerk off.”

  Jake rocked his shoulder into me with a smile.

  “I was fifteen; he was seventeen. He took me to a basement party at this college guy’s house, got me drunk, and that was that. I don’t even remember much about it.”

  “You mean he…?”

  “Took my virginity, yeah.”

  “Oh, Archer. I’m so sorry.” Jake put his arms around me and laid his head on my shoulder.

  I kissed his head. “It’s okay. I wanted it, but it sucked. Anyway, it was fifteen years ago; I got over it a long time ago.”

  Jake kissed the corner of my mouth. I fitted my mouth to his and took the kiss deeper.

  “Yesterday with you made up for it.”

  Jake blushed. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  “I’m not. I’ve never had such an amazing time with a guy like I’ve had with you.”

  His blush deepened. I put my cheek to his, gripped his nape, and simply held him like that. I kissed him soft and easy, then let go.

  “You message her,” Jake said. “I’m going to run home and shower and change for dinner tonight.”

  “You should’ve brought your stuff with you and showered here.”

  Jake shook his head. “I might as well just move in!” he yelled over his shoulder on his way out the door.

  My heart thumped. “Maybe you should,” I said to the empty room. I gave myself a mental slap. No, that’s way too soon.

  I sent a message to Amy_Pensacola_2007 and waited a few minutes to see if she’d respond. It didn’t look like she was going to, so I went and took my own shower. I got out and dried off with a towel, put some wax in my hair, and called it good. Sprayed on some deodorant. Now came the fun part. I walked into my closet and perused my suits. This was one of the best nights of the year, I had to look sharp.

  Mom had always loved Valentine’s Day. Even more than her birthday or Mother’s Day, it was the one time of year she wanted to celebrate, but other than Mark Fuckface, she’d never had anyone to celebrate with. Phen and I had started making it a special day for her after Mark, and we’d kept that tradition.

  So, choosing something to wear that Ma would like was essential. I picked out a navy wool suit, a lilac cashmere sweater, and Italian leather boots. I pinned a small rose on my lapel, grabbed my wallet, phone and keys, and the flowers I’d had delivered for Ma and Nonna, and a little something else, and I was on my way.

  I walked to Jake’s place, earning a whistle from a lady running a hot dog stand, and buzzed Jake’s apartment.

  The speaker crackled. “I’ll be right down!”

  “Wait, I’ve never been in your place!”

  “And you never will!”

  I laughed and waited on the sidewalk. Jake emerged five minutes later, buttoned into his good coat.

  “So, I know we’re new to…well, all of this.” I motioned between us. “But I got you a little something for Valentine’s Day. I want to give it to you now, so we don’t take away from Ma’s night.”

  Jake’s mouth opened, and his eyes grew big. “You didn’t have to do that. We haven’t even talked about whether or not we’re dating-dating.”

  “I know, but I wanted to.”

  Jake smiled and accepted the box. I hadn’t wrapped it, not wanting to delay the reveal, and he opened the lid.

  Jake burst out laughing. “Oh, my God!” He pushed my arm and, grinning, I took a step closer. It was a fake tooth. “You had me worried you’d bought me a diamond watch or something.” His cheeks must be hurting with how big he was smiling.

  “I ran to that antique shop Marri told me about. I have no idea how you wear this thing, but maybe you can just keep it in your pocket.”

  “What’s inside?”

  “Right now, just pixie dust. I couldn’t get ahold of any cyanide on such short notice.”

  “You’re a nut. Almost as bad as Marri.”

  “Why, thank you.”

  “I didn’t get you anything,” Jake said. He stood on tiptoe, though he wasn’t that much shorter than me, and kissed me hard. “Happy Valentine’s Day,” he murmured against my lips.

  Blinking, I stared at his lips. “Mm.”

  Jake chuckled. “Come on. We don’t want to be late.”

  Phen was picking up Ma and Nonna, and Greg said he’d meet us there. It was a fifty-fifty shot whether he’d come or call and claim an emergency at work. Maybe spending Valentine’s Day with my brother would be incentive to get him there, though.

  We grabbed a cab, and I told him about the message I’d sent Amy. Jake had downloaded the app, and he signed in to see if she’d returned my message.

  “Nothing yet.”

  The cab arrived at Fenucci’s, and I paid the driver.

  “Let me pay sometimes, Archer.”

  “Ah, sorry. Habit. You can get the next one.”

  Jake stuffed his wallet into his pocket. “Okay. But I’m paying for your dinner as your present, since I didn’t get you one.”

  I opened my mouth to argue but was quelled with a stubborn look. “Okay, thank you.”

  I kissed his cheek, unable to keep my hands and lips off him for more than ten minutes. And of course, Phen, Ma, and Nonna Sophia walked up right as Jake smiled at me. Light flashed in the corner of my eye.

  “Ma!”

  Ma had her digital camera aimed our way. “What? You know I like to take pictures of you boys.” She hurried over for a hug, and I gently lifted her off her feet. Then I stooped to hug Nonna. She was eighty-five and lived with Ma, who was the youngest of her five kids. She could speak English, but she rarely bothered, preferring Ma to translate for her.

  “You both look beautiful.” I handed them their bouquets.

  “Oh, you smooth talker. Now this must be Jake. Phoenix was telling me we’d have company this year.” Ma held her arms out, and Jake hugged her while Nonna gave him a critical study.

  Ma could barely contain her excitement, and I knew why. This was the first time either Phen or I had brought a date to Valentine’s dinner, and we all knew what that meant. I just hoped Jake didn’t catch on right away, or he might panic.

  I thumped Phen on the shoulder. “Did you ask her not to spill the beans?”

  “Of course, I did. If I hadn’t, she’d have asked you when you were getting married.”

  I chuckled. “Yeah, and we saw how that went over yesterday.”

  “Only because
it’s too soon. Jake looks at you like you’re all his fantasies come to life.”

  “Does he?”

  Every now and then, I caught a glimpse of something in his eyes. I knew he liked me, and he’d said the “L” word at Titus’s bar, but I really had chalked that up to the alcohol. Maybe there was something to the saying that alcohol made you tell the truth.

  An indescribable feeling swept through my stomach, and I had to breathe evenly. Part excitement, part panic, and part pure joy. I pushed it aside when Ma was done hugging Jake and we had to walk into the restaurant. I took Ma’s coat while Phen took Nonna’s, and we handed them off to the coat check. Mom wore a boxy black-and-white dress, but it suited her small frame, and a silk scarf I’d given her last year. Nonna wore her usual black dress and pearls.

  “Hey, are you okay?” Jake asked. “You look amazing, by the way.” He straightened my collar.

  “Thank you. So do you.” Jake wore a gray blazer over a mustard yellow vest. It seemed an odd combo, but he made it work. I kissed his hand. “I’m fine. So, how did you two get along?”

  “So far, so good. I think,” Jake murmured as the server went over the wine list.

  We ordered, and Phen talked about his work while we waited for our wine. I was waiting for the inevitable questions to start.

  “So, how did you two meet?” Ma asked.

  I took a fortifying breath. “Work. Jake’s helping me on a project.”

  “Oh, are you an interior designer, too?” Ma gazed at Jake with such wonder and happiness, the guilt-knife stabbed me in the stomach and twisted. Phen’s jaw ticked, and I avoided his eyes.

  “Um, not exactly,” Jake hedged. “I’m a computer science student at NYU.”

  “Oh?”

  I jumped in. “He helped with some stuff. Logistics.”

  “I see. You must be smart, Jake.”

  Jake blushed. “I’m all right, I guess.”

  Ma tsked. “I’m sure you’re being modest. Tell me about your family.”

  Crap. “Hey, Ma, let’s settle in before we start with the interrogation.”

  She frowned. “What interrogation? It’s a normal question.”

  “La famiglia è importante, Arturo,” Nonna scolded me.

  “Sì, Nonna.” I was going to kill Phen. I’d thought this was a good idea, but now Jake had to sit through an entire evening talking about things he’d barely told me about yet.

  Arturo? Jake mouthed to me. I sliced my finger across my throat, and he snorted into his drink. “I don’t remember my mother,” he told my mother. “My father is in Queensboro. Actually, he’s about to get out.”

  “Prison?” Phen asked, and I kicked him in the shin. “Ow.”

  “Yes, he, uh…stole. He has a gambling addiction. He’s done six years.”

  “But he’s getting out. Are you happy?” Ma asked.

  “Yes.” Jake ducked his head. “I just hope he got help. He’s supposed to be in counseling.”

  “That’s good. I hope he continues with it.”

  “Ma works at a clinic,” I explained. “She runs group sessions for domestic violence survivors.”

  “Oh, wow, that’s amazing,” Jake gushed.

  A hint of red appeared on Ma’s cheeks. Ma never blushed. “Well, I’m not a counselor, but I run the group.”

  “You’re almost done with your master’s, though,” I said. “You will be soon.”

  “Really? That’s great!” Jake smiled. “I’ve thought about going to grad school, but I need to save up for it, first.”

  “For computers?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Oh, call me Kathy, dear.”

  I smirked at Phen behind my wineglass. That was her signal for I like you.

  “Hey, sorry I’m late.”

  “Oh, Gregory!” Greg bent to kiss Ma’s cheek. “Sit, sit. We ordered you a beer. Phen said you don’t like wine.”

  “Thank you, Ms. Ferraro. Happy Valentine’s Day.” He took the seat beside Phen.

  “Now, I’ve told you to call me Kathy.”

  Phen hid behind his menu, but I knew he was flustered.

  Greg cleared his throat, and Phen peeked at him. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Phoenix.”

  “Yeah. Thanks.”

  Nonna reached across the small table and whacked Phen’s arm with her menu.

  “Ow! Nonna!”

  “You be a gentleman.”

  Phen glowered at Greg like it was his fault. Greg shrugged innocently. Jake snickered behind his hand and I smiled at him.

  “E tu,” Nonna said with a softer whack to my arm. “You watch over this one while his father is transitioning to freedom. It will be hard for both of them.”

  “Sì, Nonna.”

  “Oh, it’s not—”

  “Now, don’t worry, Jake,” Ma cut in. “My Archer has a way about him. Ever since he was little, he’s been able to figure people out in record time. You let him help.”

  Jake’s shoulders slumped. “Okay. Thank you.” He’d figured out fast—it was better to agree than argue.

  We ate appetizers and our entrées came out a little late, but we didn’t care. The wine flowed, easing any initial awkwardness. Greg told us funny stories of people he’d arrested. I had to admit, it was nice having Jake and Greg there. Our usual dinners often reverted to our teenage years, with me and Phen bickering and Ma scolding us.

  A shadow fell over our table and one by one, everyone fell quiet. I glanced around and then over my shoulder. I froze in my seat. My brain went blank. Brett was there in all his dude-bro glory.

  Chapter 18

  Archer

  Greg slowly stood with his best cop face on. “Mr. Hagerson. What do you think you’re doing? I told you to stay away from Archer.”

  I stood as well.

  “Archer, what’s going on?”

  “Nothing, Ma.”

  “You shouldn’t lie to your mother, Archer. Why don’t you tell her about your little side business of fucking people over for money?” Brett shoved his face close to mine. “You see, I talked to Ahmet. He told me all about your little deal.”

  I flashed hot and cold. “What did you do to him?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “No? How about the fact that you used to beat him? Do you know what I’m talking about now?” My voice shook, and I tried to lower the volume, but I was blinded by anger. “Or how you broke his arm when he accidentally shut your car door too hard?”

  Ma gasped.

  “He did what?” Greg asked.

  “You, you…bastarda!” Nonna shouted and the restaurant volume dipped. She moved faster than a leprechaun on speed, took her bouquet of flowers, and started whopping him upside the head. “Stay away from my grandson!”

  Brett covered his head. “Ow!” Whap. “Ow!” Whap. “Ow!”

  I pulled Nonna away, and Phen helped her to her seat.

  The server ran over. “Is everything all right, Ms. Ferraro?”

  “No, it’s not. This—this person, is ruining our dinner.” Ma stood to her full five-feet-four inches, and Brett cowered at the fire in her hazel eyes. “Gregory, arrest this man. If he’s hurt his boyfriend, he deserves the worst.”

  Greg seethed. “Unfortunately, I don’t have any evidence. But I’ll try my best to get some. Don’t worry.”

  The server and manager hovered close by, and Ma gestured with her arm. The men jumped to obey, hustling Brett out of the restaurant quickly as he came. We all sat again and took a few gulps of alcohol to calm ourselves.

  “Archer, what’s Ahmet’s last name?” Greg asked.

  “Bushkar.”

  “I’ll call in a wellness check.” Greg excused himself.

  I nodded and waited.

  “Archer, what was that pitiful excuse for a man talking about?” Ma asked.

  I winced and glanced at Jake. He’d stayed by Ma’s side during all that, but he was shaken. I held my hand out, and he grabbed it, giving me an encouraging smile
and a squeeze.

  I hadn’t even been this nervous when I’d told Ma I was gay. She’d always been so accepting; I hadn’t thought too much about it. This, though, had me worried. Phen sat unmoving, like with the T-Rex in Jurassic Park. If he didn’t move, she wouldn’t see him.

  I straightened my spine and met Ma’s eyes. “That was a guy I pretended to date, so I could pay him back for what he did to his ex-boyfriend.”

  Ma took that one on the chin with a small wince. “And how did you pay him back?”

  “I bought a bucket of oil from Jake and poured it all over the interior of his vintage Camaro.”

  “That was the car that poor boy shut too hard?”

  “Yes, Ma. It was the thing Brett loved the most.”

  She pursed her lips and studied me and Jake. “And that’s how you met Jake?”

  “Yes, Ma. Jake is working with me now.”

  “Not on interior design.”

  I squeezed my eyes closed. “No, Ma.”

  Silence fell over our table. The manager returned to check on us, and we assured him it was entirely our fault and apologized for the scene. Greg took his seat, and correctly reading the mood, drank his beer.

  “Phoenix, did you know about this?” Ma asked.

  “Not until yesterday.” Phen sunk lower in his seat.

  “Archer, you’ve been doing this for how long?”

  I pressed my lips together and strangled Jake’s hand. I had to be hurting him, so I loosened my grip. “In small ways, since I was a teenager. I started doing it full-time when I was twenty-five.”

  “I see.” She was quiet for several minutes, and we held our breath. “I think we need shots.” She lifted her hand for the server.

  I blew out a startled laugh. “What?”

  “You think I don’t know my boy?” Ma grabbed my free hand. “You think I don’t know what made you start this?” A tear ran down her cheek.

  Panic seized me. “Ma, don’t cry!”

  “I always wondered why Mark left me alone.”

  “That was me and Phen, Ma. We told him to go.”

  “Oh, I know that part. And I love you both for it.” She reached out and took Phen’s hand with her other one and kissed it. “But I knew that wouldn’t be enough to keep him away. I knew he’d ambush me when you two were in school. But he never did. What did you do, Archer?”